i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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