Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
