Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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