I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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