sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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