Need sex. Gaining weight.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
