i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
