dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
