HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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