Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
