Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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