NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Two words: blizzard sex
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
