He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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