so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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