Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
