saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
