Swine flu. Run for my life!
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
