i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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