I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
