i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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