It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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