i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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