I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
