My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I love you.
Bad choice
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
