Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
