I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
