I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
