I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
