God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
