Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He better not be in your backpack
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
