I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
