I haven't been this sober since birth.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
