giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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