Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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