Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
