theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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