When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
