Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
