I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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