I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
