Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize