you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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