im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
