OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
