So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
