haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The struggles of a small town man whore
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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