She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
