I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
