Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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