I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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